


Pull the trigger (draw your sword)

by Fireflower34



Category: Sword Art Online (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Dissociation, F I G H T M E, Flashbacks, GGO - Freeform, Gen, Gun Gale Online, I have never written anything like this before, Inner Dialogue, Kiri's second prelim battle + a quick mention of the others ig, One-Shot, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, TW: panic attacks dissociation ptsd, This bean has PTSD and i will not take criticism, aftermath of panic attacks, even if i completely botched them, i have no experience with any of these, im really really sorry if i wrote it wrong, its kinda implied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:35:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24152917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fireflower34/pseuds/Fireflower34
Summary: His world was swirling blades and shattered fragments and the weight of two swords on his back. In SAO, bodies exploded into iridescent shards. In GGO, they dissolved into scarlet sparksHe wished he didn't know thatormaking kiri fight his second round right after a panic attack was cruel and i address that hereT rating bc i dunno how to rate this
Relationships: Asada Shino | Sinon & Kirigaya Kazuto | Kirito, Implied/Referenced Kirito/Asuna
Comments: 6
Kudos: 97





	Pull the trigger (draw your sword)

**Author's Note:**

> ajslkdf im baccc  
> first of all, if you skipped the tags Trigger warning (its my first time writing anything like this): None of this is is outright stated but; Panic attacks, dissociation, and PTSD  
> so be careeefulll  
> Im so so sorry if I wrote something wrong, i have no experience with any of this pls feel free to correct me  
> also  
> making Kiri fight his second prelim (in which he'd have to k i l l the person to move on) right after a panic attack (and flashback in which was centered around him killing two ppl) is just....mean  
> so here.

Kirito blinked

The light from the teleportation was fading away to reveal his second battle arena, nearly identical to the first.

He ducks his head and draws a shuddering breath, fragments of memory slipping past his mental defenses as he tries to shove everything down down down  _ away _ to deal with later.

Death gun’s face flashes in his mind and his breathing hitches

_ Cold steel ripped through generated avatars, bodies exploding into pixels- _

No,  _ no. _

A bullet explodes in the dust next to him, another grazes his cheek. A thin line of glowing red opening where it touched

Instinct nearly sends his hand to his back, to grasp at Elucidator and guard against whoever the heck had managed to find a  _ gun _ in SAO-

Another bullet slices his arm, sends a shower of dust up behind him

(He wonders absently how someone with this aim survived the first round)

Kirito presses down on the instinct to flinch at every bullet, leap away and draw his sword and  _ attack- _

_ A cry rises up from the battlefield, glistening fragments float through the air _

His breathing picks up, he forces it to slow.  _ You’re on a mission. _

A volley of bullets kick up clouds behind him, and his hand twitches to the cylinder at his side, trembling fingers brush cold metal-

_ (steel glows blue under his hands and red lines open up on armor and flesh) _

-and suddenly he feels sick at the thought of releasing the blade.

A cut opens up on his leg,  _ you need to deflect _ his instincts yell  _ you need to win _

( _ whirling silver and black, sparks fly, Heathcliff’s health never dips, he needs to  _ **_win-_ ** _ ) _

Breathe

He needs to breathe  _ (when did he stop?) _

A shaky inhale, shuddering exhale

In and out, steady counts.

His mission

A bullet slices his shoulder, another grazes his leg

He wonders dimly how he’s still alive

Force his mind to think, the player obviously has terrible aim, they’ve been shooting from somewhere in front of him. There’s movement up there, behind the pillar. Charge, dodge, deflect, run up behind him and-

_ (Elucidator’s glowing blade, tearing red through black cloth) _

He has to kill him

Stab his chest, cut off his head, slice him in half

_ (Sugou’s screams cut off in a spray of pixelated blood and all he can see is red red red-) _

He has to take this blade, this laser trapped in a sword, pulsing fire harnessed by a bar of metal and  _ take a life- _

_ He doesn’t want to fight anymore _

Bullets stream past him as he struggles to keep himself  _ here _

Black locks of hair dance in his vision, tossed around the wind of explosions

The sight is foreign enough to make him blink

_ It’s not Sword Art Online _

He inhales, knowing he can’t waste any more time. The bullets will hit its target soon.

Exhale

_ Don’t think _

Kirito grits his teeth, and in one smooth motion grabs the handle from his belt and releases the blade, digs his feet into the dusty ground and takes off, relying on pure instinct to guide the purple blur of his sword. 

_ Don’t think _

A cry rips its way from his throat, bullets kick up sparks against his blade then disappear in a clang. He gathers power in one leg, and leaps. Landing neatly behind the man  _ (Don’t look at his face just act) (Raise your sword, use your momentum, don't let him think) _ and slicing him in half in one fluid motion  _ (it’s more familiar than he’d ever wanted it to be) _

He stands frozen, chest heaving as he fights for air, staring uncomprehendingly at the body in front of him. Then it disintegrates into glittering red sparks and he wants to collapse to his knees and scream.

_ He’s not dead, he’s fine, you’re fine, everything will be fine (don’t move or you’ll break andeveryonewillsee-) _

So Kirito stands, feeling his racing heart and shallow breaths and  _ praying  _ the cameras don’t pick up on the trembles running across his form as he shuts off the laser and clips it to his belt.

_ He has to do this how many more times? _

Whatever willpower he has left goes into keeping himself together after that thought

The announcer’s voice is lost on him, and a flash of white later he’s standing in the lobby again, head down, emotionless  _ (don’t let them see) _ , mind lost in whirling blades and clangs of metal and showering sparks of blue and red (he doesn’t feel the sniper’s gaze)

He blinks and it’s his third match.

_ Don’t think _

He wastes no time and takes off

The round passes in flashes

Green leaves blur in his vision _(a forest setting)_ red lines and red targets _(block twirl deflect, duck)_ soft dirt giving way to hard stone _(use the rocks to get up)_ blurred purple, cold steel, a scream cut off, a flash of white _(not SAO_ _not SAO not SAO)_

He starts slipping  _ (it’s easier) _

_ Crystal floors- _ a bullet-  _ black cloaks and _ \- knock away the gun-  _ force pressing against him- _ catch him off guard-  _ sparks fly- _ deflect-  _ crossed swords press back- _ stab

He blinks, sword mid slash, cutting through  _ (black hoods) _ camouflage gear, the world fades away again, red sparks fill the air.

He’s not sure when he disappeared

His body moves, dodges, runs, but his mind is caught between twirling swords and flashing guns and red and sparkling pieces.

Sometimes, not even there at all

_ (He doesn’t want to watch anyone die) _

_ (So he fades) _

It takes him too long to realize that he should pull himself back

It takes him too long to  _ come  _ back

Kirito is mostly there, by the final match. The back of his mind tugging and pulling and tempting him to sink back into the mess of combat and memories and let instinct do the work but no. He can’t hide there forever

_ (He’s so tired) _

_ (He doesn’t want to fight-- to kill) _

He walks towards the building he knows Sinon’s in, memories trailing his every step like spiderwebs he’d become ensnared in. _ (He can fight them, but he’ll never be free) _

A bullet shakes the ground next to him

He keeps walking

Sinon shoots again. And again. Kirito wonders why her aim is off

The sniper runs out of the building, and he stops when she shouts at him. 

They’ll both win, there's no point in fighting

She screams at him again, maybe he can afford to throw the round, maybe it doesn’t matter to him, maybe it’s  _ just a game- _

He blinks

“I’m sorry”

He promised, didn’t he, that he’d fight her with everything?

He should know better than to break his promises

_ (Short black hair, a gentle smile, dissolving into pixels-) _

_ Just a game _

It’s never been just a game (it might never be again)

It isn’t to her either

Respect that Kirito

Sinon looks confused, stunned, angry

“A duel”

She’s incredulous. Ten meters is easy for her

It is for him too

_ Clink _

He cut it in half, watches her eyes widen, presses his sword to her throat  _ (don’t let your hands shake) _

How?

“Your eye”

She thinks he’s strong. He disagrees

She  _ insists. _ It’s more than skill  _ (is it?) _ . It’s strength she says, strength she came here to get.

_ (it’s not here, he want to say, you’re looking in the wrong place) _

_ (she’s strong) _

_ (like Asuna) _

Kirito thinks, that there’s something he recognizes

He asks her, if the person died, if she could still pull the trigger

Her eyes widen

“I can’t” he says, the purple glow retracts

There’s something else here, something neither of them want to address (are  _ ready  _ to address)

He won

She resigns

A rematch?

She can count on it

_ (Never again just a game) _

_ (Cold steel and warm flesh and blue and red pixels) _

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
